I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. I love Christmas because the date has always served as a reminder of the birth of Christ and based on my experience, it is a time when family members gather around a rich table of traditional Christmas meals, sing carols, and show their appreciation for one another through the giving of gifts. I grew up with Christmas Eve being the most anticipated and thrilling day of the year. I hate Christmas because it serves as a way of reminder of death and loss of these things. My mom (mamka) died four years ago on Christmas day, and since, things have not been the same. A season that was once my favourite time of the year, though still held dear, is now the most painful and the one I dread the most each year.
I write this because I know I am not the only one grieving the death of a loved one at Christmas and in these past four years, I’ve learned that a little help goes a long way. Yes, everyone is different (i.e. personality types, emotional processing, etc.) and each person’s bereavement process is unique, but from conversations I’ve had with fellow grieving friends, there are certain things that our friends have done that we find particularly helpful in getting us through the season. If you’re someone looking for ways to comfort grieving friends this Christmas, I hope this article will help you navigate what connecting with and supporting a grieving friend could look like.
- Have us over. Grief is already sucking us down a dark rabbit hole so trust, unless you are a friend who knows us deeply, we will not reach out. And if we do, we will be tempted to feel shame. Why shame? Because Christmas, like any other major holiday in N. America, is a family celebration and inviting ourselves over or asking for help inevitably makes us feel like we are intruding on your family time. Whether doing a Christmas party or not really doing anything at all is your thing, we don’t particularly care. We just want assurance that we are not alone. When you open your door, you close some of those doors darkness keeps opening up for us. The feeling of belonging and connection are real, and I can’t even begin to tell you how comforting it is to know we have places to go and people to see. Covid lockdown edition: schedule a zoom movie hangout/game night/reading club/whatever socially-distanced activity with us during Christmas time (24-26th). We know there are a bunch of things happening before and after Christmas, but it’s usually on the day of/closest to that we see others’ season’s greetings and feel the effect of grieving alone.
- Drop by to say hi or get us to come for a (socially-distanced) walk with you – even if it’s a 15 minute thing, seeing another human will bring us out of our minds and give us something else to think about.
- Give us a call – hearing another human being will also be a healthy distraction for our gloomy minds. And if we are not in the right headspace to pick up your call, that’s okay too. We’ll know you’ve reached out and it will still mean a lot. When you call/text us, try to ask specific questions: “What is your day looking like? What’s been on your mind today?” as opposed to “How are you?”. We’ve learned the art of saying “I’m good” on our worst days and people believe us. Asking us specific questions will help us trust that you are willing to lean in and hear us.
- Don’t avoid the topic of our loved ones. We know you’re afraid that you won’t know what to say and you might “make things worse by bringing it up” but honestly, we’re already thinking about our loved ones (especially on days like the anniversary of their death or holidays) and hearing you mention them will remind us that you’re not afraid to step into our worlds and learn about why it hurts as much as it does to not have them around. Truth is, unless you’ve lost a loved one, we know you won’t know or understand what bereavement feels like, and we don’t need or expect you to. What we need is a safe space to express our difficult feelings and verbalize our dark thoughts, or simply a space to remain silent. Ignoring the subject of our loved one won’t give us that, an acknowledgement will. We love our loved ones and though painful, it is actually good for our souls to remember them and talk about them. I love when my friends ask me about mamka or when my closest friends share their personal experiences with her. Here are a few examples of what asking us about our loved ones can look like: “I know today is hard for you and to be honest, I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you if you want to share about your loved one with me.” Or “What are some ways you used to spend the holiday season with your loved one? I am all ears if you want to share.” We might say “no” and that’s also okay. But we will now know that you are willing to go there and have offered to enter into our darkness, and knowing this counts more than you know.
- Pray with us. Hearing you pray for us will lift our souls out of the gutter and bring us peace because, holy spirit does a thing. Alternatively, message us to let us know how you’re praying for us – even if our words don’t come out and we delay in our reply, our souls will thank you.
I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for my close friends who have done this and continue to do this well. Friends, your care means the world to us.