How has my sanity been preserved after spending most of covid lockdown in a dark space resembling a dungeon? TBH, IDK. I’m surprised I didn’t become melancholic or at least slightly depressed. There was no glorious sunlight to be woken up by. Day looked like night, night looked like day. Dusk resembled dawn, and the occasional glimmer of light that peaked through the underground window was still too dark to take heed of. I had my share of restlessness and frustrations to be sure but, much to my surprise, overall I have been well. I am familiar with the feeling of despair, it has called my name before. I am aware that in the future, it very well might call out to me. But this time, it did’t. Somehow, joy spoke instead.
And the peace that has kept me company, surpasses understanding.
And the dreams that have tugged at my heart, paint vibrant brush strokes in my mind.
Life is not a formula – no one can predict what our mood or mental capacity will be like tomorrow, or the day after. Low intake of vitamin D, limited socialization, and a decrease in exercise, amongst a range of numerous other factors, most often negatively impact mental well-being – of course they do and we expect them to. But when they don’t, when what’s attributable to a significant change in mood doesn’t pan out that way and instead joy perseveres, it is worth asking, “how?”. “How is it that you’ve kept me company in this space and time? I know what could account for your absence, but what explains your presence?”
What I learned in the dungeon is what I learn with every unfavourable circumstance life throws my way: there are moments in life where nothing but the joy of the Lord is my strength. Notice my use of language: I am not saying “pray your mental health struggles away” – I would never be in the mental health field if I believed this. What I am saying is that sometimes, to my surprise, I am met with inexplicable strength and joy, neither of which can be attributed to my surroundings.
Joy is not the absence of suffering but the presence of God – Janet Erskine Stuart
Small and big joys that arise out of desirable circumstances are nice, but they are just that: dependent upon circumstances. This joy, the one that sneaks upon me and surprises me in unexpected moments, is not derived from my state of affairs. It reaches far above and beyond life’s predicaments and reminds me of the very palpable presence of God. And it is this very joy that tends to keep my heart at peace and my mind brimming with new dreams in the most unpredictable rhythms of life.